第十八章（第4/10页）

“你手握金钱，坐拥地位，将决定权牢牢掌控。毕竟，我不只是夫人您的纵欲机器。”“不然，你还是什么”“也难怪你会这样问。毫无疑问，那是看不见摸不着的。但我从不妄自菲薄。我清楚自己生存的意义，虽然我也能理解别人无法看透这一点。”“如果你跟我共同生活，生存的意义会因此减少吗？”他沉默许久，然后回答：“或许会。”她也陷入思考当中。

"And what is the point of your existence?" "I tell you, it's invisible. I don't believe in the world, not in money, nor in advancement, nor in the future of our civilization. If there's got to be a future for humanity, there'll have to be a very big change from what now is.” "And what will the real future have to be like?" "God knows! I can feel something inside me, all mixed up with a lot of rage. But what it really amounts to, I don't know.” "Shall I tell you?" she said, looking into his face. "Shall I tell you what you have that other men don't have, and that will make the future? Shall I tell you?” "Tell me then," he replied.

“你生存的意义究竟是什么？”“我已经说过，那无法言喻。我不相信这个世界，对金钱及进步充满怀疑，甚至对人类文明的未来不抱希望。如果人类想拥有未来，如今的社会必须经历翻天覆地的变革。”“那真正的未来到底是怎样的呢？”“只有上帝才知道！在内心世界，我能感受到某些东西，它们跟无穷无尽的愤怒缠绕在一起。但它究竟是怎样的，我说不清楚。”“我来告诉你答案好吗？”她凝视着他的脸，说道。“我来告诉你，你拥有而其他男人缺少的是什么，真正能够缔造未来的是什么。你想知道吗？”“那就告诉我吧。”他答道。

"It's the courage of your own tenderness, that's what it is: like when you put your hand on my tail and say I've got a pretty tail.” The grin came flickering on his face.

“那就是你有着拥有真挚情感的勇气，你会用手抚摸着我的屁股，真心真意地赞美它，起作用的正是这种情感。”他的脸上再度露出苦笑。

"That!" he said.

“那个呀！”他说。

Then he sat thinking.

接着，他又默默思忖起来。

"Ay!" he said.

“是呀！”他说。

"You're right. It's that really. It's that all the way through. I knew it with the men. I had to be in touch with them, physically, and not go back on it. I had to be bodily aware of them and a bit tender to them, even if I put 'em through hell. It's a question of awareness, as Buddha said. But even he fought shy of the bodily awareness, and that natural physical tenderness, which is the best, even between men; in a proper manly way. Makes 'em really manly, not so monkeyish. Ay! it's tenderness, really; it's cunt-awareness.

“你说得有道理。的确是这种情感。自始至终都是它在起作用。与同性相处时，我也能体验到这种情感。我必须毫无保留地跟他们接触，绝不背弃这种情感。我必须切身地感受到他们，对他们怀有柔情，甚至对他们严加训教的时候也是如此。就像佛祖所言，这是个感受的问题。可即便是佛祖自己，也羞于承认身体的感受，刻意回避与生俱来的肉体温情，而这恰恰是至真至善的，甚至男人之间也是如此，必须以男子汉的方式来解决。让男人成为真正的男子汉，而不仅仅像猴子似的。是呀！的确是情感，是性爱的感受。

Sex is really only touch, the closest of all touch. And it's touch we're afraid of. We're only half-conscious, and half alive. We've got to come alive and aware. Especially the English have got to get into touch with one another, a bit delicate and a bit tender. It's our crying need.” She looked at him.

性爱其实只是种接触，是最亲密无间的接触。也正是你我最害怕的接触。我们的意识并未完全清醒，我们的生命同样不够完整。我们必须彻底清醒过来，迎接完整的生命。英国人尤其如此，必须拿出一点点体贴，献出一点点柔情，诚心诚意地与彼此相处。这是当务之急。”她望着他。

"Then why are you afraid of me?" she said.

“那你为什么害怕我呢？”她问。

He looked at her a long time before he answered.

他盯着她端详许久，才给出答案。

"It's the money, really, and the position. It's the world in you.” "But isn't there tenderness in me?" she said wistfully.

“其实是因为名利地位。因为你所处的世界。”“可难道我缺少柔情吗？”她迫切地问。

He looked down at her, with darkened, abstract eyes.

他那对幽暗深邃的眸子俯视着她。

"Ay! It comes an' goes, like in me.” "But can't you trust it between you and me?" she asked, gazing anxiously at him.

“有呀！那种柔情时隐时现，和我的一样。”“可难道你不相信这种情感存在于你我之间吗？”她问道，急切地凝视着他。

She saw his face all softening down, losing its armour.

她发现他的神情完全缓和下来，将坚硬的盔甲尽数卸去。

"Maybe!" he said. They were both silent.

“或许吧！”他说。两人都不再作声。

"I want you to hold me in your arms," she said. "I want you to tell me you are glad we are having a child." She looked so lovely and warm and wistful, his bowels stirred towards her.

“我想你抱着我。”她说。“我想你告诉我，你很高兴我们即将拥有自己的宝宝。”她那样楚楚动人，热情洋溢，满怀渴望，他的心湖荡起波澜。

"I suppose we can go to my room," he said. "Though it's scandalous again.” But she saw the forgetfulness of the world coming over him again, his face taking the soft, pure look of tender passion.

“咱们可以去我住的地方。”他提议。“虽然这将让丑闻再度滋生。”但她看出，此刻他已经将整个世界抛诸脑后，他的脸庞充满柔情，变得温和而纯净。

They walked by the remoter streets to Coburg Square, where he had a room at the top of the house, an attic room where he cooked for himself on a gas ring. It was small, but decent and tidy.

他们抄小路直奔科堡广场。他寓居的房间位于顶层的阁楼，备有自己做饭用的煤气炉。房间不大，却整洁干净，像模像样。

She took off her things, and made him do the same. She was lovely in the soft first flush of her pregnancy.

她脱光衣服，也让他褪去身上的累赘。怀孕不久的她温软红润，秀腴动人。

"I ought to leave you alone," he said.