第十八章（第3/10页）

“克利福德呢？”“我想他也不会相信。他把事情推到一边，不去费神。不过，传闻让他再也不愿见到我，这也可以理解。”“我怀孕了。”他的表情完全僵住，身体如同木雕泥塑。他那双阴郁的眼睛紧紧盯着她，像某种燃烧着黑色火焰的精灵，她根本无法理解这种表情的含意。

"Say you're glad!" she pleaded, groping for his hand.

“说你很开心！”她拉住他的手，央求着。

And she saw a certain exultance spring up in him. But it was netted down by things she could not understand.

她发觉无法言喻的狂喜从他的心底升腾而起。但这种喜悦却被她难以理解的东西掩盖住。

"It's the future," he said.

“那是将来的事。”他说。

"But aren't you glad?" she persisted.

“可难道你不开心吗？”她追问着。

"I have such a terrible mistrust of the future." "But you needn't be troubled by any responsibility. Clifford would have it as his own, he'd be glad.” She saw him go pale, and recoil under this. He did not answer.

“我从不相信将来。”“可你不需要承担任何责任。克利福德会愉快地接纳它，并视如己出。”她发觉他的脸色变得苍白，流露出厌恶的表情。他没有回答。

"Shall I go back to Clifford and put a little baronet into Wragby?" she asked.

“你要我回到克利福德身边，给拉格比生位小从男爵吗？”她问。

He looked at her, pale and very remote. The ugly little grin flickered on his face.

他只是望着她，脸庞煞白，神情疏远。脸上闪烁着勉为其难的苦笑。

"You wouldn't have to tell him who the father was?” "Oh!" she said; "he'd take it even then, if I wanted him to.”

“你不会告诉他孩子的父亲是谁吧？”“噢！”她说：“即使我说出真相，他也会接受这孩子，只要我希望他这样做。”

He thought for a time.

他沉思了一会儿。

"Ay!" he said at last, to himself. "I suppose he would." There was silence. A big gulf was between them.

“是呀！”最后，他自言自语道,“我想他会接受的。”沉默再度降临。两人之间横亘着无法逾越的深渊。

"But you don't want me to go back to Clifford, do you?" she asked him.

“可你不想我回到克利福德身边，对吗？”她问他。

"What do you want yourself?" he replied.

“你自己打算何去何从呢？”他反问道。

"I want to live with you," she said simply.

“我想和你长相厮守。”她的回答直接明了。

In spite of himself, little flames ran over his belly as he heard her say it, and he dropped his head. Then he looked up at her again, with those haunted eyes.

听到她诚挚的心声，小小的火苗不禁从他的小腹处蹿起，他垂下了头。接着，他又抬起头望着她，眼神如同着魔一般。

"If it's worth it to you," he said. "I've got nothing.” "You've got more than most men. Come, you know it," she said.

“如果你认为那样做值得的话，”他说，“我一无所有。”“你拥有的比绝大多数男人要多。嗨，你清楚这一点。”她说。

"In one way, I know it." He was silent for a time, thinking. Then he resumed: "They used to say I had too much of the woman in me. But it's not that. I'm not a woman not because I don't want to shoot birds, neither because I don't want to make money, or get on. I could have got on in the army, easily, but I didn't like the army. Though I could manage the men all right: they liked me and they had a bit of a holy fear of me when I got mad. No, it was stupid, dead-handed higher authority that made the army dead: absolutely fool-dead. I like men, and men like me. But I can't stand the twaddling bossy impudence of the people who run this world. That's why I can't get on. I hate the impudence of money, and I hate the impudence of class. So in the world as it is, what have I to offer a woman?” "But why offer anything? It's not a bargain. It's just that we love one another," she said.

“这样说来，我明白你的话。”他默默思索着。然后，他继续说道：“过去，他们常说我太娘了。但其实并非如此。我不忍射杀鸟儿，不愿聚敛私财，也不想往上爬，这并非娘们的写照。对我而言，在军队里谋得高位轻而易举，但我却讨厌军旅生涯。虽说我也能把部下管理得服服帖帖，他们都很爱戴我，我生气的时候，他们也都怕得要命。不，都怪那些愚蠢顽固的当权派，是他们将军队搞得死气沉沉，乌烟瘴气。我与世人并无隔阂，大家也都愿意接纳我。我只是无法忍受这个世界当权者的骄横跋扈、厚颜无耻。这正是我不求高升的原因。我憎恨肮脏丑恶的金钱，厌恶不知廉耻的统治阶级。容身的世界尚且如此，我又能拿些什么，来奉献给女人呢？”“可为什么要奉献呢？这并非讨价还价的交易。我们只是彼此相爱。”她说。

"Nay, nay! It's more than that. Living is moving and moving on. My life won't go down the proper gutters, it just won't. So I'm a bit of a waste ticket by myself. And I've no business to take a woman into my life, unless my life does something and gets somewhere, inwardly at least, to keep us both fresh. A man must offer a woman some meaning in his life, if it's going to be an isolated life, and if she's a genuine woman. I can't be just your male concubine.” "Why not?" she said.

“不，不！事情远非如此简单。生活意味着不断前进，不断发展。而我不甘自己的生活堕进微贱。我就像张作废的车票。我无权把一个女人扯进自己的生活，除非能够有所起色，有所成就，至少是内在的，能让彼此都保持新鲜感。男人必须将生命中有意义的部分奉献给自己的另一半，只要她是位诚挚的女子，如果他们愿意相守一生。我不想只做你的情夫。”“为什么？”她问。

"Why, because I can't. And you would soon hate it.” "As if you couldn't trust me," she said.

“呵，因为我无法说服自己。而你很快也会感到厌倦。”“就像你无法信任我一样。”她说。

The grin flickered on his face.

他苦笑着。

"The money is yours, the position is yours, the decisions will lie with you. I'm not just my Lady's fucker, after all.” "What else are you?" "You may well ask. It no doubt is invisible. Yet I'm something to myself at least. I can see the point of my own existence, though I can quite understand nobody else's seeing it.” "And will your existence have less point, if you live with me?" He paused a long time before replying: "It might." She too stayed to think about it.